Monday, January 10, 2011

I Fear Rejection

This weekend was great I went shopping with my close friend Chris, I got a cool as Hoodie and a fake pearl necklace. My weekend was not very productive but it was relaxing what I needed.

I do fear rejection, I am not sure why I do, but I think it has to do something with my childhood. I grew up not having a lot of close friends like I do now, because no one accepted me. I was the weird kid no one wanted to work with. I had a friend that I played with on the play ground but even then it was not all the time. I remember trying to make friends but they just looked at me like I was a crazy person and just walked away from me. As I got older, and realized I was not like most kids my age that listened to populate music, I listened to like rock and heavy metal, in four and fifth grade and My Chemical Romance. When we moved to Texas when I was in fifth grade I meet a bot named Chris (not the same Chris by the way) and he listen to the same stuff I did. He gave me hope that I would have at least one friend who liked me. He never rejected me for what I wore or did, he liked me for me the fact that I was in fifth grade and listen to hard core rock. As fifth grade came to a close and sixth grade moved in, the same thing happened, I lost my only close friend because we had different classes. I felt like a lost puppy, I resorted in to making friends that didn't like me for me well because that was all I had. I felt alone my sixth grade year, people called me "emo" and a loner, and it made me feel like crap. By the end of that year, I realized I had no friends at all. I had tried hard to get in to what every one liked and hoped that people would like me but it was a fail. This was the year my depression kicked in and came in to play. Seventh grade was my turn around year, even though I still was fighting depression, I had found my best friend again. He came with people that like him, liked me for me and didn't care about what others thought of us. I had been happier then I had ever been, I had stopped cutting and made friends. I was not a loner any more, but was still classified as an "emo" kid because of my music and the way I dressed. By the end of that year I had more friends then I had ever had in my LIFE, it felt great. I didn't fear rejection but I had been accepted from others.

Sorry this blog was a story of my life, but I still fear rejection from when I try to ask guys out. And well I was just rejected from "him" guy I wanted to ask to winter formal and my depression likes to blame it on bad events that have happened to me, like that. So now every time I see him I tear up, but I try hard not to full on bust out in to tears, it makes me feel weak.

                                                                                      Sorry about the sad life of Misa
                                                                                                Hope you all love me The Zombie

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